Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality?
— Westworld
There comes a time in one’s life when existential questions start striking one’s mind in the form of crisis. One may choose to not be bothered as one carries on living and getting engaged with their ignorant surrounding. Or one may choose to dwell in it to the extent of indulging its malady, confronting reality even if it may cost one’s sanity. It’s like the blue pill-red pill situation in The Matrix. And I’ve recklessly swallowed the red pill. Now there’s no turning back.
Ada saatnya dalam hidup seseorang ketika pertanyaan-pertanyaan eksistensial mulai menghantamnya sebagai suatu krisis. Ia dapat memilih untuk tak menghiraukannya, melanjutkan hidup seperti biasa dan membaur dengan lingkungan yang sama tak acuhnya. Atau ia dapat memilih untuk membenamkan diri di dalamnya sampai-sampai memanjakan sakit yang dibawanya, berhadapan dengan realitas yang sesungguhnya meskipun ia bisa saja kehilangan akal sehatnya. Layaknya situasi pil biru atau pil merah dalam film The Matrix. Aku telah dengan gegabah menelan pil merah. Kini tak lagi ada jalan kembali.
in the dead of the night I fly
and my soul I carry with
my body I left there laying on the ground
right at the middle of the cheering crowd
I shall let them stone it
I shall let them burn it
I shall let them break it
for what's there is already broken
I've walked days and nights in the path of Sisyphus
oh poor him, poor me
imprisoned by the notion
that nothing matters
I float and I let go
throwing away all the baggage
so my hand can grab a cup of coffee
that's the way to be
Singer-songwriter Morrissey, of English rock band The Smiths, London, 1984. (Photo by Chalkie Davies/Getty Images)
Feeling alone, hopeless, and depressed? Need songs that recognize those kind of pain and struggle? Just go to The Smiths. Sing them aloud, cry yourself out. That’s one of the best catharsis that I regularly do to lighten the very burden of existence, being a misfit in the midst of ever evolving modern society, straying too far from the expectations of others that they mindlessly shove up my ass until I reach a point of burnout.
But enough with the whining. Here I’m just going to tell my opinion on why The Smiths is my go to band when I’m feeling low about myself. Well, I just love how Morrissey distinctive baritone voice wallowing in misery blends well with the expressive and often so cheerful guitar play from Johnny Marr. That makes it seem quite contradictory, but not really actually. It’s like you’re dancing your pain away through the self-depraved lyrics and their banger music.
Since I’m no music expert, I would like to talk about the lyrics that Morrissey wrote being so damn relatable. I’m going to list some of my favorite songs from The Smiths:
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want
I acknowledge the desperate tone of this song about never having what you want or what you wish to come true. It’s a self-pity song, realizing how terrible and sad your life must look from others point of view, what a bad luck you have.
2. I Know It’s Over
The saddest song from The Smiths in my opinion. It’s like knowing your life is doomed to failure and misery and loneliness. And Morrissey’s vocal definitely capture this sadness and hopelessness. The way I interpret the lyrics is that you just want a normal life like others, but deep down you know that somehow those basic things in life are such luxury that you cannot afford, and yeah love though is natural and real, that is not for you.
3. How Soon Is Now?
My favorite self-depraved song that I would love to sing when doing karaoke. It’s just obvious that the “I” in this song is a very shy person that waits in line to meet someone special, but that someone never arrives. So that person feels lonely and hopeless, because even when that person finally tries to go out and meet people, she just ends up standing in the corner alone and goes home alone.
There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry
And you want to die
Well, I sense some anger in it.
4. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
This song is also sad. At the intro you can hear a noise (screams) that sounds like coming from the depth of hell. The lyrics tells about finally being loved by someone but then you woke up and realized it was just a dream. But somehow you’re not really disappointed, because you expect nothing from the beginning. No hope, no harms, just another false alarm.
5. Back to the Old House
Speaks about the feeling of nostalgia that’s bittersweet. You roam about a place where you used to live in your memory, and remember the bad and the goods. And it also reminds you of a crush you used to have that you’ve never got a chance to confess to. Pretty much sums up my life.
6. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
Now, this is what I’ve been feeling lately. I just wanna hang out during the night, wherever it is. So I desperately hope someone will take me out, because life at home is so dull and boring and the people at home are not so welcome. I wanna go out and see people living their lives. I play this song while riding my scooter in the night, and that feels just so perfect, because I can’t find a better word to describe it.
7. Panic
Burn down the disco
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
It says nothing to me about my life
Hang the blessed DJ
It’s just such a banger.
8. Unloveable
Oh...
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Oh, message received
Loud and clear
I wear black on the outside
'Cause black is how I feel on the inside
And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me
I don’t have to explain, the lyrics speaks for itself. Because Morissey’s lyrics are simple and straightforward, and sometimes also whimsical and witty.
9. Never Had No One Ever
For those who never have any romantic relationship with anyone, worry not. Morrissey understands us. In this song, our stories are told, we are not alone, we got The Smiths 🙂
10. Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
The anti-hero in this particular song complains that he always feels miserable, misunderstood, and disappointed by life. He’s probably asocial and pretend to be nice to people for the sake of politeness, but it’s killing him inside. Yup, that’s our Morrissey, and that’s our anthem, or at least my anthem.
11. Accept Yourself
So much insecurities in this song, it’s when we constantly questioning and doubting ourselves. I’m sure that happens a lot to many of us, especially in this digital era. We can’t resist to not compare our lives with others and then feel low about ourselves.
12. Asleep
The second saddest song of The Smiths in my opinion. It’s like the protagonist here has finally come to terms with life: to surrender. He’s lonely and tired of everything and ready, even gladly, to go.
13. This Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore
It’s easy to disregard what others’ going through and maybe laugh at it. But when we’re finally in their shoes, we realize it was no joke at all. And what we used to consider funny is actually awful. I think it is what this song is about.
Those are my favorite songs from The Smiths because they hit so close to home. Morrissey somehow can describe my struggle and ennui through his whiny lyrics, and I admire him for that. Life is unfair, and we have to accept it. Some people are luckier than us, some are more miserable. Some people get the privilege of living a normal and common life, to be one of the people. But misfits like me, we hide in our shelter, too afraid to step outside because last time we do we got beaten so bad. And we can only crave what it feels like to live the way most people do, and then we feel bad about ourselves and drowning in self-pity. And Morrissey understands us dearly.
Is it possible to grow our hearts into one resembling that of a wise buddhist monk, without being one? How do they process all the hurts and heartaches? How do they manage their pride? If I endure all the pain beyond my capacity in order to accept everything, will that make me a masochist?
I cut out my tongue
I stare at the infinite
I shall enlarge the beat
I shall slower the slip
To inhale the explosion
To exhale it as a breeze
To shut down the swirl
To re-stack after the flood
Just swallow all the bruises
Just soften every edges
and move like a wind
and be still like a lotus
Toss out the paranoia
Toss out the aspiration
Tread lightly into the white
I got caught in this bloody experiment
Screwed my mind to her head
Firmly, never going anywhere
My ideas, my ideals, stuck in a whirl
Somebody tell me what is real
Between perception and illusion tailored with delusion
They spread the news about this wholesale of construction being so damn seductiveBlew flyers of hope on the road
Charmed and hypnotized we all turn into either a masochist or spoiled self-righteous egomaniac dolls
These paradoxical emotions opposing logical reasons
Invent! Invent! Invent!
Until she's all weary and dreary
cannot keep up with my pace
My infeasable desires infiltrate her every corner
Replace the old and ragged with the new and fresh
Breathe in the fatamorgana, stay awake
Back in the old days, right or wrong was clearly defined. It was when justice still did its magic by punishing those who committed wrongdoing and goodness prevailed gloriously. But it’s a different world now. A new rule has emerged: there are no rules. There are people who do evil things in cold blood without consequences following their actions. No regret or guilt bothering their conscience. So whats the point of it all when your fate is sealed by a toss of a coin? This is no country for an old man. I watched this movie six years ago, but it is today that I’m finally aware of its relevance, when I realize that nowadays people behave in unpredictable manner, that we all live in a state of chaos.
Sejak lahir kita semua dikutuk untuk menanggung beban Sisyphus. Menjalani lingkaran rutinitas tiada akhir. Layaknya Sisyphus yg memikul batu besar di pundaknya, membawanya ke puncak gunung, hanya untuk melihat batu itu menggelinding dan membawanya kembali ke puncak dan melihatnya menggelinding lagi, begitu seterusnya. Semakin seseorang mengamati, semakin ia mencoba memaknai, maka kehidupan semakin tampak tak berarti. Hal-hal mekanis yang biasa ia lakukan secara otomatis, tiba-tiba terasa janggal, terutama saat ia menempatkan diri sebagai penonton dari orang lain yang melakoninya. Ia pun dilanda dilema akan keabsurdan kehidupan, dan bagaimana manusia tunduk, beberapa bahkan terlalu sibuk untuk menyadarinya. Jadi, kalau kata Camus, should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee? Mending bunuh diri apa ngopi?
I’ve waited in the wings for so long my name’s not yet called, my role’s not yet summoned so I walked to the stage on my own to make a lousy actor of myself with the ceaseless stand of monologue I gave I kept playing pretend, it felt marvelous to be part of a show I was not just sitting at the backseat anymore I enjoyed the disgust, the pity, the laughter the audiences constantly judging my performance but I hope, I hope my time will come when someone would shout my name, telling me I was in the wrong room all along my play was about to start in the opera next door, that my presence is much needed and the hero of the story has waited for me there in the wings
Deux moi
Someone somewhere
Two entangled particles we are
Separated by thousand miles of distance
Yet our destiny keenly intertwined
Your events affect mine in an instant
Vice versaHeartache or joyWithin the blink of an eye
Travels through the unseen thread of ethereal force
De mon âme à ton âme
The fallout of yesterday
The riot of today
Happened and exists for the wish of tomorrow
Patient, patient, wait and evolve
Hold on to someday
When we'll greet each other
Both as friends and lovers
For we belong together
Before Sunrise (1995) reminds me of my own story somehow. It’s about an american man met a french woman on a train, they talked, they connected and decided to spend one night together, just one night though because the man had to fly back to America in the morning.
I can relate to the woman, Celine. She’s smart, she’s passionate, she’s creative, she’s honest, she doesn’t tip toe around the matter. She’s realistic, she’s objective, but she still has some naivety and a glimpse of optimism in her. She’s a bit of a hopeless romantic though she’s aware of the depressing reality. She does overthink and make things complicated but then she can make a decision and take an action.
The man, Jesse, resembles someone I know, his cynicism and mannerism, the way he caresses a woman, only he’s much of a talker. He’s witty, he’s funny, he’s straightforward but never forceful, and he’s rational. It’s like he’s actually sensitive and can be surprisingly romantic, but he’s got beaten by reality. His heart is still warm from the breaking. He’s hurt so decided to take a different approach to view life. That’s how he’s wrapped in cynicism and always dragging people’s feet down to the ground before they get hang up on uncertainty, like some bullshit dreams, the disillusioned lies that will make them feel good about themselves only to be disappointed in the end.
His cynicism may upset her, and her dreamy naivety can make him frown. But other than that, they get along well, and able to fall in love with each other despite the very short time span they’ve spent together.
They talked about a lot of things, ranging from death, reincarnation, man-woman, also love. And it’s eye opening, quite awakening, to see love through different perspectives, using the same lens: experience (or in other word: reality). How we’ve got this idealism, this wishful abstraction, concept and theory about love planted, ingrained in each one of us, to expect the best, unselfish, giving, forever lasting kind of love. So we project this image of love unto someone, the more we know about them, the more we realize they do not fit in with the high standard that demands perfection in loving, we’re disappointed and we choose to leave, searching for perfection only to be disappointed again and again, because there is no such thing. Then we may get traumatized, distant ourselves, shutting our hearts, afraid to love. Because it’s not love that’s deeply flawed, it’s not love being such a stupid bullshit, it’s our perception of love that’s not quite wise.
Love is at the attempt, the attempt to get to know someone, understand them, and accept them. To acknowledge and be ready for all the shortcomings that may come, the aches, the trying and failing, and that it can end at any times. That’s where the magic is, not at the point A or point B or both, but the space in between. Perhaps love is not given, it’s not destined, it’s not a fate we shall do nothing about. Love is, mostly, human’s work.
Before Sunset (2004)
I don’t have anything much to say about the second movie. Aside from talking about the current state of the world, the depressing state of life in general, this movie is about failing to make connection with other after realizing we’ve found the one. It’s a hard task to love someone else, knowing your perfect half is somewhere out there in this world. Thus even though we’re with our lover, we’ll still feel lonely, because deep down we’re longing for that one that’s got away. And it’s possible to love someone and when space and time separate us from that person, we will never recover until we’re brought back together, because we know we’re meant to be.
Although here are some quotes from the movie yelled out by Celine that I find resonance with:
I mean, I’m really happy only when I’m on my own. Even being alone, it’s better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It’s not so easy for me to be a romantic. You start off that way, and after you’ve been screwed over a few times you forget about your delusional ideas and you take what comes into your life. That’s not even true. I haven’t been screwed over I’ve just had too many blah relationships. They weren’t mean, they cared for me but there were no real connection or excitement. At least, not from my side.
……
You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It’s funny, every single of my exes, they’re now married. Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married. And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is and that I taught them to care and respect women. I want to kill them! Why didn’t they ask me? I would have said no, but they could have asked! I know it’s my fault because I never felt it was the right man. Never. But what does it mean, the right man, the love of your life? The concept is absurd. We can only be complete with another person. It’s evil, right? I guess I’ve been heartbroken too many times and then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts, I make no effort.
– Celine in Before Sunset (2004)
Before Midnight
Love fades eventually, even when we’re assured we’re with the one. This fact only affirms the last bit I wrote about Before Sunrise (1995), that love is mostly human’s work. If we want it to last, we have to ceaselessly work on it, revive the old flames we had when we first met, we have to put up with all the disappointment, the conflicts, and resolve it.
It only gets more complicated once we have kids. Our kid is almost like this invisible bound that can’t be cut off completely from our exes, especially when it involves marriage, you know, legal stuff. We still have to deal with our exes no matter how we hate each other’s guts for the sake of our kids. And our current partner maybe get dragged into this storm, and get hurt in the process.
Romantic love is a team work between the two parties. Making compromises, being the bigger heart to apologize first, being even the more bigger heart to forgive. This reminds me of a quote from a recent movie, Corpus Christi (2019), “Forgive means love, love someone despite their guilt, no matter what the guilt is”. I thought to myself, dear Lord that one’s going to be the most difficult part. Loving despite the guilt, putting aside our wounds, though it may never be healed we must cover it and accept that life must still go on. So it’s still possible for a man to mess around, having affairs or sexual encounter with another person, even though they’re with the one they love the most, like Jesse did. And added with some very complicated situation Celine was ready to walk away.
In Before Sunset (2004), as I mentioned before, Celine’s ideal of romantic love had been shattered by reality. And at this point, her definition of love is completely ruined, she no longer knows what love is. Her vision about love and the reality seems so distant, like they’re two entirely different things. And that’s when Jesse comes to remind her what true love is in real life, not some tales fed to us by some children entertainment. Here’s what he said to Celine:
What, that you don’t love me anymore? I figured you didn’t mean it, but if you did, then.. Oh, fuck it. Know something? You’re just like the little girls and everybody else. You wanna live inside some fairy tale. I’m just trying to make things better. I tell you I love you, I tell you you’re beautiful. I tell you that your ass looks great when you’re 80. I’m trying to make you laugh. All right, I put up with plenty of your shit. And if you think I’m just some dog who’s gonna keep coming back, you’re wrong. But if you want true love, then this is it. This is real life. It’s not perfect, but it’s real.And if you can’t see it, then you’re blind,all right, and I give up.
-Jesse Wallace in Before Midnight (2013)
This trilogy marks how important communication is in a relationship. That’s why throughout these movies we mainly witness this couple walking and talking, some may find it boring, but I think Richard Linklater is clever in keeping the conversation flows naturally while remain being fascinating to the audience. And to be honest I myself get hurt watching this movie, to realize that true love in reality is far from this perfect fantasy of living faithfully happily ever after with your perfect love one. But that’s life, we must accept it, take it or leave it.
I sat right in front of you
A flood broke through the dam inside me
The way you surrounded me
Tight with your cold frozen heart
Had my limbs paralyzed
None could be done
A cry for help had long sailed
I was just trying to take a closer look
To what had dimmed the flames inside you
All the butterflies stranded in your stomach
Lied there lifeless
Their wings broken and scattered
I watched
As you built your walls around me
Reading the writings on my little brooding silly mind
Sulk and sullen
I drowned in your smoke
A transparent hole in your soul
Your emptiness soared high
Contaminated the air
Landed on my torn up ragged skin with its mysterious tenderness
Stabbing deep into my Id with satisfaction
Reviving
My ego prevailing
I inhaled your damned frustration
Let my consciousness suffocate in it
Your eyes mirrorred and reflected nothing
Unspeakable sorrow masked as wrath
All I could see was nobody
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